The great big wait

So, I never intended to be one of those aspiring writer/bloggers who writes about the process of finding an agent.

I see blogs full of stats and mood checks. Long paragraphs of woes or effusive happiness at good news. It would be easy to do that because the process is making me a little obsessive, and just a touch crazy. I check my email a lot, I read a lot of blogs, and I check the Absolute Write website all the time.

Trust me, it isn’t like I don’t have anything else to do. I recently made a big book buy on Amazon with titles I have been wanting to read for a while. My ‘to be read’ stack is laced with a few new titles– Home by Marilynne Robinson, To Feel Stuff by Andrea Seigel, and Letters Between Us by Linda Overman. I went ahead and even pre-ordered Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford, and look forward to it arriving at the end of the month (he is an AW’er).

My freewriting goals for the year have proven very successful. I have discovered tremendous energy and inspiration for new works. The process of laying down new ideas is thrilling and full of that buoyant hope of something fresh, untested. I feel that sense of urgency to get out my thoughts, and I find myself scribbling down notes at the grocery store, at dinner, or right after my pilates workout. I love that feeling.

With all this reading, writing, and playing with my son I still have this nagging thread of thinking about all the querying. It slips in, those questions and wonderings, when I least expect it. I feel like everyday on the querying merry-go round offers the opportunity for the highest highs and the lowest lows. Waiting is hard. I’ve had good news — yay! partial requests — and the impersonal form rejections. What does it all mean? It is hard not to ask those questions; is my query working? do the agents like my sample pages? I knew this would be a long, arduous process but I underestimated the emotional toll. It is hard to put yourself out there, to get those responses. It is hard to get good news or requests and be cautiously optimistic, and not get your hopes up. It is equally hard to get the “no” and wonder why it wasn’t quite right for that agent.

Everything is subjective. I believe in my novel and I will just have to endure with this itch I can’t scratch for now.

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